drowning

I started binge drinking. I was getting drunk often. I was getting out of control drunk. I was maintaining my composure but I was loaded. I hid it well. I had stopped caring. I was scared I was truly losing my mind. I thought I had failed everyone. I thought I had failed myself.

I come across as a fairly cheerful, well put together individual. I have morals, ethics, values. I adhere to them, I don't judge others based on my own biases. I had character flaws, and I let my own lack of self control and fear of responsibility control my life.

Change.

It's time for a change. I have been thinking, a lot of thinking, a lot of painful, uncomfortable thinking. Things that I have avoided, things that scare me, I don't' have all the answers, I can't evaluate every situation and create a viable solution. But I can take one small step at a time. I can admit that I was hurt, I can admit I was scared and I can admit that I am tough enough to overcome all of this. I also can admit that I needed help, and I received it, and I may still need help and I will ask for it.

It's my "I hate being female" time, so the rambling will be extra strange, deal with it. *grin*

Thank God I am a stubborn pig headed bitch, no drinking, no smoking, no fast food, and laods of exercise. I wish it wasn't pissing rain.. it's making me even more blech and I can't go for a run.

Oh the writing bug has returned.... you're all in trouble.