Always look on the Bright side of Life

So the winds have change have started to blow. I am getting excited to go out west. And I tell you I stepped on the scale a few eeks back and have dropped 42 lbs since last April. I'm so excited i've told everyone else at least twice.I plan on dropping another 30 while visiting my parents.

I have loads of concert events I could attend this summer. I have a friends that are excited to see me. I have finished my first year of university. I have made some beautiful friends whom seem genuinely upset that I am departing for the summer.

I had the most amazing weekend.

I almost regretted something on Saturday night, but fortunately found the courage to walk up to someone and say something that could be viewed as weird. But I found fitting and quite enjoyable.

I also had the most amazing adventure on Friday. I love spontaneity.

I'm sorry I haven't been keeping with the usual chipper updates.

So I'm depressed. Big deal! next hurdle please. If it didn't swallow me up within the last ten years why set it start to win now.

That Jamie has left the building and this lady has control of the reins again. No more feeling sorry for myself.

I am off to curl my hair.

Broken Brains

I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I have wanted to do that since I was sometime after I turned 13...

at 13- I thought it was just a puberty.

at 15- I thought it was being lonely.

at 17- I thought it was the accident

at 19- I thought it was being fat

at 21 i thought it was homesickness

at 23 I thought it was being unemployed

I turn 25 in October... maybe it'll be gone by then... but considering a relative of mine is old and still on anti-depressants.. maybe this is who I am, and I just have to keep up the good fight.

I have reasons not to run away.

I'm scared to take the pills. I'm scared to go back because he'll give me pills. I admitted there was something wrong, can't I just go back to slaying the imaginary dragons?

Thank you

"no one must know...
no one must know this machine..."
- Strapping Young Lad from AAA

I am running away again. Just for the summer. To my parents house. I had a list of options for the end the month. I went with the most lucrative, and it means I get to spend the summer with my parents which went fairly well last summer.

I've changed a lot since then and won't have my dearest friend with me. I hope the adjustment process isn't too severe. Moving back in with your parents after living independently even if it's just for a few months always causes some drama.

Tomorrow is the last day of classes of my first year of university. I'm really going to miss it this summer. I am going to learn a new language next year.

Just in case I haven't told you lately.

I love you guys!

10 year old secrets

This is what I look like when I stop hiding.

I have had depression since I was 14. I always viewed it as a vulnerability and a weakness and was scared to admit it to anyone. I had a strict rules about balance and order to keep it under control. To keep my secret safe.

This finally failed miserably since my spring break from classes. My living situation has gone dramatically downhill since December. As my grandmother so aptly put it today, "Jamie you are not the saviour for every lame duck."

I am not certain how much sense this makes except that I needed you to know. I need to stop hiding and saying I'm crazy and triaging so hard to be normal. Depression is normal.. I didn't realize how normal til I "came out of the closet" with mine.