will it ever end

Spam in comments on blogs....

stupid stupid stupid...

Getting up too early makes Jamie an emotional wreck, student loan being delayed two more weeks at the latest, my savings are completely depleted.... My credit could soon be in shambles.. My parents are in process of buying a new home, they cant afford to lend me money...

became sobbing mess in Dean of Students office... obtaining loan from Mount Allison university against my student loan until November first.. then buy books I need for my classes...

had nap, talked to Nat, hanging out with her tonight for her birthday, spirits are lifted...

my roommate cleaned the house last night and it's beautiful...

I finally sent off the email I was putting off for a month... Trying not to get to anxious waiting for a reply.


my amazingly wonderful cousin Shannon (a fourth year English major) proof read my essay, put it in eh proper MLA format, and helped me not be so nervous about submitted it today.

I am waiting for my Environment Studies assignment to be returned and this essay.. I guess I am scared that I will fail both and everyone will find out I really am an idiot who has been faking this whole intelligence thing this entire time... What if my boys are right when they "jokingly" call me a dumbass...

I said I would prove them wrong... Here's hoping..

my goal tonight is to forget all my stress and enjoy my friends birthday.. I love birthdays..

thanks to everyone who has been supportive, and a huge thanks to my parents... I remind myself everyday how lucky I am to have you both.. Even if you are far too far away.

prepare youselves

It is 6:35 am, I have been awake for at least 30 minutes, and I do this happily three days a week... Well actually I got up earlier today. I reqested it... weird...,

There is a 7:30 am review for my Psych class. Psychology Midterm is on Monday, and I want to make sure I am fully prepared.


This whole getting up early and being responsible...

so that's what it feels like....

still no student loan..probably will be another two weeks... I had to borrow money from my parents, and it's still not enough to cover all my bills.... good thing I am creative and know how to stretch every dollar.

Got to go take my vitamins and grab a quick bite to eat before my drive gets here.

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

I am a huge procrastinator, that has been busy with other homework and assignments, now I must write an essay for tomorrow on this:

Developing a specific, original thesis, consider the importance of the title of The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Why is the story presented in the form of a case? What is the nature of that case? How does this choice of language connect to or illuminate the novella's key fictional concerns?


Now I have found a few people to read my essay, to search for grammatical errors and such, I have spell checker on my computer.

BUT

I don't believe any of them have read the novella and I was wondering if any of you folks have, if so, perhaps you will read my essay to tell me if my argument sounds plausible....

I have a psych midterm Monday.. Saturday night you are all invited to my place for a pre birthday bash...

thanks as always for reading drivell.

The Pusher

You know, I've seen a lot of people walkin' 'round
With tombstones in their eyes
But the pusher don't care
Ah, if you live or if you die

- Steppenwolf

I have sat down to write a reply, to you, more times than I can count, August 28th, the date reads at the top of your email. I cry so hard every time I start a response, I get sick.

On the way home, from university, today "The Pusher" came on the radio, I had to close the Psychology textbook, I was reading, so my tears wouldn't splash on the pages.

I can't even read what I am writing right now... I love you so much, I
miss you more than I can begin to express.... how did the world get
turned upside down and inside out? Why did a brilliant, wonderful, funny,
amazingly caring person, like you, end up living on the streets.

Why can't I let you go...

My roommate tells me it's called "survivors guilt", and I can't hold
myself responsible for your choices.

I must stop making excuses for you...

I won't let you go....

I heard it on TV, "ICE" so cutesy, an addiction sweeping all
towns and cities, the thief that stole one of my best friends, and
replaced her with... whatever it is you have become.

Your birthday is quickly approaching and I am not certain you are still
alive, or aware, enough to notice.

I read your poetry, especially the poem about me, often, it is one of the most insightful things ever said about me. Your talent is mind blowing, your intelligence unlimited, yet because of social conventions you have been fooled into believing you don't fit in.

I am so angry, I want to talk about the cute boy I am dating, and excitedly tell, you about my fantastic classes, and about my trip to British Columbia. I want to hear about your cute boys, your summer adventures, your accomplishments. I want to know you are well, and safe.. I desperately need to know you are safe.. It's going to be cold soon. Where are you going to go? How will you stay warm?

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Please be ok....

Well Wishes

I just completed my first university project, worth 20% of my final grade, I am nervous as hell and hope it all goes well.

I faxed out my student loan thingy AGAIN on Saturday night, I originally submitted this information in JULY!

The fax was sent from my WONDERFUL aunt and uncles, the lovely guy that I am dating was kind enough to drive me over there, and was patiently waiting for me in his automobile. My cousin Joel quickly changed that and went out to the car and drug him in.. Poor guy met my two cousins, Joel and Shannon, and Shannon's boyfriend, Harry, as well as my Aunt Diane and Uncle Kevin. They were all super sweet to him, but I was a little worried.. My family can be a little "strong".

We had breakfast this morning at the Chris Rock, for a 1.99.. he had a coffee, I had water and the whole affair was only 5$, I think we discovered a new ritual.

It's late and I have school in a few short hours.. Please cross your fingers that my project is well received and that this does not squash my dreams of discovering I am not a complete idiot (notice the COMPLETE) part.

This Saturday I want to celebrate my birthday at my place.. If you live in Moncton email me or leave comment and I will direct you how to get to my house.

I will be sending out email invites shortly as well.

I am still getting used to the fact that I own my a computer, a Mac at that. Thanks Jeff.

OOO

Kenzie was nice enough to proof read all my documentation for my project. This is a HUGE thanks on my part.

The Cat came Back

After all that lamenting.. It only took 4 days and three nights, a run in with an ex, and a excessive amount of alcohol, but I am back dating "my man" (hehehehe).

Now for those familiar with this ol blog, know that I normally refer to my interests as "boys", but I realized on Sunday evening between the hours of 9pm-11pm Atlantic, Jamie Lynn became an

ADULT

*spoken in a rather ominous tone*.

I have tossed aside the silly, girly terminology, and am embracing this whole "relationship" rollercoaster, which has me scared and excited all at the same time. Maybe the rest of you (Steve, Megs) were onto something beforehand, I just had to meet the right guy to change my mind, or I am delusional, either way it should be an interesting adventure.

I also don't want this to be a "normal" dating thing for me, without going into great detail (cause it's my "personal" personal life) he is really rather enjoyable, and he likes me... I like liking someone who likes me back... *giggles*

I love my new computer, it is indeed a Mac, hadn't laid fingers on a Mac in approx 10 years, and I had no help, I picked it up, took it home, plugged it in, and am figuring it out as I go along. It really must be an idiot proof computer lol.

I am heading down to my grandmother's this afternoon with my friend, Heather (she is being fitted for her maid of honour dress, my grandma is making), and I cannot wait. I love my Grammy. Going "home" will kick butt too.

I thought for certain this time I had really fucked everything up, and as always, things worked out well in the end... I seriously don't' know why I have so much luck.

OOOOOOO!! My dear friend, Rae-Lynne, from Saskatchewan (now resides in Brandon) is preggers (pregnant), and I am thrilled to bits for her.

Jamie Lynn is a nice name.

Carpe Diem

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-Dylan Thomas

This poem needs to be read aloud, at high volumes with great passion, while standing over a cliff... Gazing at the waves crashing into the base, with the wind whipping past you like a silent angry stranger.

"Regret Nothing"

I watched the rain plop into the puddle at the bottom of my driveway, as I sat, quite morose, on the stoop, contemplating my present life situation As always, whenever there is a negative, a multitude of positive things have surfaced in the wake of my dappered spirits.

I love how my attire changes people's perceptions of me, I wore a pink poodle skirt yesterday, today I have the Metallica t-shirt with the bullet belt.

Are we the master's of our own destiny, I like to think I am the master of my mind frame and how I approach each task, trouble, or temptation, varies on my attitude.

You can ignore this post... It's simply a reflection on my perception and an introspection of my self deception.

I am not an intellect, simply a manipulator of preconceived social and cultural etiquette and beliefs.

I use big words... Therefore I am intelligent..

I am morose.. Hence I am "deep"..

I am hurt, therefore I hide,( behind this facade) as a girl possessing control, in circumstances that require relinquishing of any structure. Demands to cast off modern propriety and embrace...


WHAT?

Embrace what.. What the fuck am I grasping for... What am I expecting... Is not settling for anything less than what I want... Foolish, irresponsible...

FUCK NO!

Ok I am back on steady ground....

Seriously read the poem, grab life by the horns... "Do not go gently into the good night"... Rock out! Let Mr. Thomas know how wise he was in his short life, to seize hold of the concept of LIVING life, not just stumbling through it.

"Tanya,

I miss you dreadfully so.. I hope all is well. Find your path.

I love you!

Mistress"

Conspiracy?

Potential

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

-Dr. Seuss

I stopped dating dude... Because I like him...

Alright before you freak out at me... I know how it sounds...

He was on the rebound, and brace yourselves...

I was ready... To attach myself to someone... This guy was pretty cool........

(Jamie censored herself)

I ended it so he could date other people, and so I wouldn't have the looming question.. "Does he want to be with me, or is he just hanging around till someone better comes along"... Or worse, am I keeping him from meeting the "someone better"...

Now before you get completely the wrong impression, I am not stating I think this guy is the be all and end all, but I can communicate with him with, unlike anyone previous, he gets my intentions immediately... I feel incredibly (almost disarmingly) comfortable with him... The really big thing...

I want to hang out with him all the time, I want to share things with him, do things, see things, I want to get his views on stuff....

I don't want to bolt....

so I bolted...

My friend Jeff made an excellent point late last night. We are both still "shiny" (only known each other a little while, haven't had time to really find "flaws"), perhaps in a week, a month, a year, when he is not still on the rebound, something could evolve... If it does evolve, I want it to be a positive thing...

It's interesting how in an hour and a half I could go from feeling like I want this guy to be my boyfriend, to telling him I can no longer date him... For me to admit... That I wanted a "boyfriend"

dude that's crazy...


My roommate says I'm weird, any "normal" girl would just hold on tight and smother the dude till he "caved" and perhaps, this guy will find a chick who wants to do that, but I would never feel "comfortable" in that sort of situation...

I over analyze things... He over analyzes things...

I really like this dude... Enough to admit it on my mega boring and super cheesy blog... I made myself vulnerable, I was so scared, and was having so much fun, yet...

From the past few years, had the opportunity to "date" and I know the importance of it...

I want to say I "hope" I did the right thing, and that he comes back... If there is one thing I am certain of... I can't be uncertain about this guy...

I applied logic to "romance"...

yet another glimpse into the madness that is Jamie's mind...

In LOVE!

I am totally, one hundred percent, madly, deeply, passionately, and completely head over heels in love,

WITH UNIVERSITY! (scared you a little didn't I.)

Dear Lord, I actually had a little bit of tears of joy in my eyes in my Introductory to Prose class. It was a long time coming, baby, but this chick has begun her journey into higher education and she could not be happier.. Well unless of course we want to go into a stupendously long rant about why my student loan has not been processed...

I also have a new man in my life, we live together, and he's very cute... Did I mention he's five, and I am smitten... I pick him up from school every Tuesday and Thursday at 1:30 pm and we hang out till, it's bedtime or his mom gets home...

We had a water balloon fight yesterday, and you would have thought I gave the kid a pony... The exuberance and zest that I am filled with after hanging out with a little bundle of energy and joy... I giggle and laugh constantly, almost annoyingly filled with bliss.

Though it still doesn't make me want to become a "baby making factory", it is a fun time...

The other dude in my life, is playing a rock show in Saint John tonight, which I will be attending as well as another tomorrow night which my dear sweet friend Tanya (old Friend from when I was really young) is also going to be joining me. I am STOKED!

He is also very cute, (I like to say sexy), talented intelligent, and sarcastic... I don't really want to share to much. Except to say, he makes me smile, and scares me.... If you know me... You know that's fairly normal.

My dad was in the hospital over the weekend... I am frightened, I love my parents so much, and cannot even begin to consider the possibility of waking up one morning and knowing they are no longer on the planet... Or worse.. That one is left without the other.. I know it sounds sick and morbid, but I really hope if I do have to part ways with my parents that they go together, because I truly cannot picture one without the other.

The university experience makes me miss them, that much more, I think it's based on the whole.. "What did you do today at school?" thing... I want to share all these silly little things with them, about my quirky prof's, or interesting stories, or just simple daily experiences...

I could ramble on further but I am certain you are sick of me...

I miss the crazy ranting... Not having a computer sucks... I have so many social and political commentary, that I want to get into, so much I want to share about stuff I am learning, and I want to tell you about the gentleman I am "dating"... Alas I must get my butt to Environmental Studies.

No computer, for now

ok still no computer

tons to say. very little time!!

You know when you are excited about something you want nothing more than to talk about it... but you cannot... yea well that sucks... giddy and giggling.

School begins tomorrow, and they just cancelled the 7:30 bus to Sackville this weekend, so now I have to find alternative means for transportation except everything is based on the FUCKING INTERNET!

I might be inheriting a mac, anyone got any complaints... I am at the Dieppe Public Library and the keyboard is in french, all my question marks look like this

É

I cannot remember how to change it... stupid french people (just kidding).

Everytime I turn on the news.. I cry.. I am such a cheesehead...

Balloon Fiesta this weekend in Sussex, I have not been there in 7 years, possibly 8, I am like a little kid, the anticipation is thrilling.

I stil have to complete my stories about my west coast adventures, have some interesting stories from my visits to Fredericton, Halifax and Cape Breton.

My metalheads are moving out west to start off their amazing careers and studies, and I cried a little on the way home on the bus. I am going to miss them and our friendly banter, I am so proud of them but if you tell them I will have to kick you.

I also cried when I read your email.. I hope you pop back soon so I know you are still ok... I worry, you know. I love you!

Please forgive my brief fluttering online and off as Hugh likes to say my blog is boring.. it once put him in a six hour coma and he almost got fired.

so read at your own risk, I guess my ramblings are a good sedative.

*no spell checking for this entry lol*