Happy Holidays

I am lucky to have such amazing friends and especially family. I love you!

Alone on Christmas eve....

Received email that made me cry 5 separate times... Had to take breaks reading it.... I cried for good reasons though... I think I may post my reply here.

I have to work today, I worked yesterday.....

The solitude is depressing.

First time in 23 years I'm sleeping through Christmas morning...

Second time in 23 years I won't be with my family.

*Sniff*

Thank you to a SUPER friend, who gave me some gas money a week early, I sincerely appreciate it, now I can buy groceries I love grocery shopping it's so relaxing.

I got today off work! :D

I am heading into Sussex tonight, attending a Christmas party with my oldest truest bestest friend in the whole wild world*..... can't wait.

Going be a roaring good time.

Happy Holidays!



*( These people knew me when I was thin and still loved me despite it. :D )

Could be Worse....

I thought I knew... I thought I knew what the real world was all about..
Well the bubble has been popped.
I have bills, Upon Bills Upon BILLS.
It all started when I broke my foot.... Last February... No wait... When that's Fucking SHIT head hit my car in the Stream parking lot. I had to buy a new car, there went my 8 grand worth of savings.. Plus a monthly payment, and my insurance went up another grand. I was doing OK, getting by, then I broke my foot missed some time at work and the bills piled up. and up and UP!
Then I left Stream to work at the fortress I could make more money.... Experience something different and leave the Stream drama behind.
Then Parks Canada went on strike... My hours were cut.. Then laid off for shortage of work. Unemployment does NOT pay my bills... Plus I was foolish I thought I could keep living the way I had been living... Oops.
I don't' regret it but it was my downfall... So then I made a really stupid decision.... I starting working at ICT... Money was good I was making commission... but I realized I felt evil... I was the dreaded telemarketer on the other end of the phone.. That's not who I am so I called my Doctor... Quit my job,,, got the doctors note... and waited 5 FIVE FUCKING WEEKS for pogey... It didn't come for FIVE WEEKS. i managed to avoid any of my bills going to collection (thank god for being a good telesales person).
I teeter on the edge or a very narrow line between debt and debt free.... I just got my first full paycheck from Minacs.
$858 SWEET
Deductions $185
WHAT THE FUCK
$676 left
$175 for cc payments
$352 for car payments missed.
$37 for gas to get to and from work.
70$ for cell phone bill..... (which I may just skip, and see if I can sucker my way into another few weeks).
$20 for my grandmothers Christmas present
That leaves me 20$ till January (oops December)31st. Which I need to buy the gas to get to Cape Breton, thank god Sean is coming and we can split the cost. I am glad I like flakes of ham and mushroom soup cause that's about all the groceries we have lol.
There I did it... I confessed my big dirty secret... I can't handle money o save my life.
Funny thing is... I have never gone without it.... I am one of those people who puts on their winter jacket and finds 20 bucks... I miss being a smoker only because I could find enough money for smokes anywhere.
Wait I think I forgot a bill... Oh yes the power bill
there goes the 70$ for the phone bill and the 20 bucks for gas... good thing I drive some people to work... So that should cover that....
Fuck being an adult sucks.

Slipped

It slipped away
I let it pass
My only chance
No regrets

I thought I knew
Beneath your lies
Between the truth
No regrets

I heard a gasp
I felt the plunge
I turn away
No regrets

Wounded by words
Destined to falter
Escape the heart
No regrets

Stumbling for you
Forgotten by him
slipping towards me
No regrets

Stranger Things HAVE Happened.

My mom was on cheap drugs today and told me how proud she is off me how beautiful I am...

Ok that's not true.

She wasn't on the cheap drugs... but it was a very weird conversation.

I guess not getting knocked up, having a job and being a stubborn self-centre bitch isn't the worst thing in the world.

I love my parents.

My Dad is doing a lot better. Thanks to anyone who asked. He is working again, on light duty. They bought a new vehicle.... an Escape I think.

I am skipping Christmas this year... I am too poor or "po" as Kenzie likes to say.

Two people on my Christmas list.

Laura - cause she was awesome enough to let me and Sean stay there and disrupt her life for a week when we were totally down and out and even my family wouldn't let us stay there.

Grandma - cause she loves me no matter what my stupid antics are, piercings I get or hair colors I pick.

Everyone else... I love you but I am too "po". I can't even mail out my Christmas cards lol. Maybe I will do a because it's January presents instead.

I have a new shift 5:30 pm - 1 am Tuesday thru Saturday. I don't mind the hours but I really wish I had Friday and Saturday night off.

I watched Last Action Hero last night, where kid steps into his favorite action movie.

Question:

If you could step into any movie what movie would it be? Why?

Malicious

She sits alone.
Scared of her rage.
Questioning her choices.
Loosing her mind.
Facing her fears.
Tasting the tears.





"Windows echo your reflection
When I look in their direction
Gone
Yeah they're gone"

-OZZY OSBOURNE

Reasons I hate being a girl:

- Being overly emotional withoutreason.
- Being overly emotional when there is reason
- the grossness that comes once a month.
- the price of clothes
- bras
- hair products
- makeup
- being associated with other girls
- being "the weaker sex"
- inability to do math
- being whiny
- bitchy
- cranky
- the weight of my breasts
- back pain
- double standards
- cattiness
- necessity of possessing self control
- obsessing over my weight
- obsessing over my body image in general
- that time of the month
- the pain associated with it
- incessant need to take care of everyone
- desire to cook
- desire to shop
- skirts
- pantyhose
- high heels
- slips
- buttons on the left (or is it right for girls I wear mens shirts too)
- the monthly thing
- other girls
- drama films
- the maintenance
- unexpected emotional outbursts
- fashion designers
- expectations to pop out kids
- expectations to get married right away
- to bake stuff
- to clean stuff
- poor sense of direction
- drive to pacify things
- desire to "cuddle" sometimes
- child bearing hips
- biological clock
- cheap hair elastics
- broken fingernails
- crazy feminists (Feminazis)
- feeling like I have to do things 10 times as well as any man to be considered his equal
- always having to be the one who says "no"
- being blamed for "eating the fruit" (Eve)
- the word bitch
- slut
- whore
- the fact they are mainly used by girls to refer to other girls.
- feeling responsible
- desire to nurture
- desire to pro-create
- knowledge that my desire is unladylike(especially since I want to practise a lot)
- the entire book of Paul (Bible)
- pap smears
- breast exams
- rape
- my vulnerability

Though the Things I HATE the very most (as you may of noticed I mentioned it numerous times above) is:

The fact that for the last 10 years, 12 times per year the same goddamn thing always happens and never in any sort of pattern. Sometimes accompanied with a LOT of pain, sometimes barely noticeable, but always VERY GROSS. There was a time when for a year and a half I was on Depo-Provera ( oh how I miss it) and it never came at all. If my weight gain hadn't been partially caused by that I would go back on it.

That my friends is the root of this entire rant.

Sleep is Good

Before you all lose your minds wondering who I was talking about losing in the previous email it was Tanya. She finally got the courage, funds and gumption to move away from Cape Breton, she went to Lake Louise Alberta. I am very happy for her but I will miss her very much, she is an awesome chick and I wish her the best in all her future endeavors.

Work is going well, we have a live shift bid next week, and the corporation might be opening a centre in Scotland in the future.... can anyone say TRANSFER!!!!!!!!!!

I got my power bill and the security deposit is twice as much as I was told to expect so I called, talked to an agent who was an asshole so I requested supervisor, who called me back and deducted 60$ off my bill. Score one for the good guys. All my work at stupid call centres has finally paid off.

I feel melancholy tonight, I was reading some comments from the last post. I love moving to new places, meeting new people, but I hope you know that I have friends from all over who have broken off pieces of my heart.

Loss

The music industry lost someone of great talent, "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott, was shot and killed in a nightclub in Ohio last night, playing with Damageplan.

I was first introduced to Dimebag through his band Pantera, by my cousin, Jordan and his friend Kevin, who are hardcore fans. I remember getting off work at Stream and driving back to Marion Bridge with Pantera blaring and singing out my frustration from work.

For a little more information:

http://www.cnn.com/2004/SHOWBIZ/Music/12/09/obit.dimebag.ap/index.html

He will be missed.

As I sit here to write this I could cry, I have quit smoking, quit biting my fingernails, successfully and now I am starting the Adkins diet again to lose some weight and feel better about myself. I am content.

My days off were approved from the 29th of December to the 2nd of January so I am heading to Cape Breton for my cousins wedding. I am excited.

The bittersweet joy of knowing someone has reached there goals, but in doing so has been lost to you forever, is painful.

Fresh Start

I had the Capergrl blog, but I no longer live in Cape Breton, and I want to keep blogging, so here's the new site...

I should have high speed this weekend so I can do this more often, and I think I may try and be a little more productive with this site.... I mean I won't just write what I did today...

Here are some of my Goals:

In no particular order.

1. No regrets, I have maintained it this long.
2. Get PHD (professor) before I turn 35. ( I hope 32)
3. Visit Scotland (and Europe in General.
4. Lose 60 lbs before May.
5. Pay off Visa completely by March.
6. Settle dispute with insurance company from last November.
7. Make 15 sales in December.
8. Get over any and all foolish crushes in CB. Find new ones in NB.
9. Get back into going to church.
10. Re-connect with old childhood friends stay connected with new friends.

I also want to add a counter and see how many people actually check my writing (if you could be so kind as to call it that.)