Bubblegum Bitch

Breath IN Breath OUT!

I was filled with a seething rage all day.. I think I am angry at myself and my incompetence at letting people in.. Correction- guys in- I don't let them know, I send off mixed signals and then I wonder why it doesn't work out.

My inability to articulate my irrational emotions is indescribable .

This is a quarter life crisis.. Maybe it's because Month 6 is passing by and I am afraid I am settling. Maybe it's because I met someone who has millions of crushes just like me, and she's nine years older than me. Perhaps it's because I didn't take my vitamins today and I have been eating unhealthy stuff lately. Maybe it's because I realize that I care about him, and he knows it, and it's still ok...Maybe it's because I'm really insane. Perhaps it's because I am alone. Maybe it's because I use the word because too often....

I have a disorganized room, it's not dirty, it's actually rather clean but disorganized.. I can't deal with order.. I know where things are in a crazy pile of clothing but when things are put away somewhere for safe keeping or because they "belong" there I can never find them again. I find comfort in a swirling mess. I am a tornado of Chaos. Perhaps I need to find a job to occupy me. To direct my focus.

Why can't I concentrate, why can't I purge this fire, why am I compelled to destroy anything beautiful in my life.

I lost my faith, which is exhilarating.. It's opens all these new possibilities but right now, until I find something to believe in I feel hopeless.

I am disillusioned.

Watching my professors makes me reconsider my career choice.....

This spoke to me on so many levels!

This one reminded me of being a teenager and feeling that way.

Post card Secrets is my new obsession.


Thanks Steve


THIS is my other new addiction.. flip through or message me to compare favorites.

Favorite caption

I am going to dance around like a hippy tonight with some beautiful women.

Sometimes all you need is a bit of perspective.

Sometimes my bullshit even makes me sick!

You have nothing more to find.
You have nothing more to loose.
Karma- Opeth


Here's my secret.

I am afraid to get attached to anyone.. Ever.. I am scared they will see the cracks in the wall

the vulnerable little girl
isn't intelligent
isn't pretty
will always be fat
no one really wants to be friends with her,
they just laugh at her when she's not looking
she isn't' very funny,
she just makes you think she is


maybe she is an illusion.


He told me I am intelligent, funny, sexy and the coolest chick but that he is too busy. I told him it's all ok..

He's another lesson in a long list of lessons I must learn. Karma is a bitch.. Or its a self fulfilling prophecy..

Sorry dudes.. Tomorrow I will have my confidence back and I'll be kicking your asses again.

Wet

The words flow
They pour forth
Spewing over tongue
Spilling into the air.
Sprinkled thought
Dribbles of speech
Dripping into ears
Spraying the intellect
Spurt into brains
Splashing language
Oozing with force
Cascading onward
Drenching the concious
Absorbed knowledge
Moistening my mind

Oh My

What will we do now?

This sounds really weird but I felt sick, and had tears well up in my eyes when I read CBC this morning. What has our country come to?

Solitude and Silliness

Tomorrow is election day.. Dear God people vote!!! Vote! Vote!

I realize the options are shitty yet it is your right to vote.. Please get off your ass and vote. It is also your right to abstain.

This may give you some clue of what I'm doing...

Steelers won tonight.. They are going to the Superbowl Steve probably exploded with excitement *giggle*

I am reading this novel for my American Literature class. Incidents in the life of a slave Girl Written by Herself- Harriet A. Jacobs. It's an amazing account of slave life written by a woman who was born into slavery in the Southern United States.

That brings me to this

The Confederate States

a fake documentary depicting what may have happened if the South had won the war. I look forward to seeing it.

Sarah's birthday apparently went well.. Except her moronic friend decided it would be a terrific idea to write and draw on our fridge with permanent marker.. Thank god for that stupid magic eraser thingy.

This past weekend has been ridiculously fun.. I also accomplished various tasks related to school. I didn't realize it till now but I signed up for some rather intense classes this semester.

My CanLit class was cancelled in the morning.. Now during that time slot, I'll head to the gym and get an extra work out. Boo ya Grandma Boo ya.

I can move 285 lbs by pushing my legs apart....., last semester it was only 235.. I also can lift more weights with my shoulders and arms this semester.. and my legs are getting more toned. and want to hear a really gross story... OK then:

When I went to Ozzfest in 2004 I was waving my arm in the air during Priest while headbanging. I swung my head back and noticed my arm jiggling and I almost fainted from mortification. I was at the Trendkiller, Pantera tribute, show last month and the jiggle is almost totally gone.

Ozzfest is going to rule in august with my HOTT body I will rule California! Arnold will have nothing on me. *giggle*

Today

I have just completed two classes
now I have a beak for an hour
then two more classes till 1:30
then I attend yoga
followed by a work out with lovely Laura
then studying I have three novels to read this weekend
then catch carpool ride home at 5:20
Hopping in shower
going for dinner at Mexicalirosa's to celebrate Sarah's birthday
Head back to our house for a party
and perhaps we'll depart for the punk/rock show if the party slows down, or one of us abstains from drinking.


I am pissed about something said recently by someone who I cared deeply about.. It completely changed my perspective on him and helped me step away from the situation and really look at things clearly...

I am finally growing up

Warning

I think I should add a disclaimed to this blog.. Something along the lines of this not being a clear representation of Jamie. Though I try not to lie or exaggerate on anything that appears on this blog, unless expressly noted..

this is still my biased view of myself and the world that surrounds me.

Therefore take it as you will but don't use it as a judge of my character or as an actual portrait of who I am.

This is just a internet "postcard" a place to rant, rave and inform people of what is occuring on in my wild and wicked life.

It also serves as a rough account of where I have been and where I am going.

Thanks,

Jamie

Silver Spoons??

I have not written anything lately... I would like to say I haven't written anything of sustenance lately but I rarely, if ever, do.

I am going to pretend that I am writing this to myself because I know too many of the people who read this. Which has made it slightly more difficult to spill my guts. I have moved past this and the post after this one will probably be rather personal and maniac so beware! *GRIN*

Dear Jamie,

I feel as of late you have been unappreciative of your life and all the wonderful people involved in keeping it in tip top shape. You really slacked off last semester and seem to be commencing the same pattern again. I do realize that due to your present financial situation you were not able to purchase all of your books and therefore are a little bit behind on some of your reading. I believe you can rectify this immediately.

Your job interview tomorrow is rather pointless considering your school schedule is not consistent with the demands of the job. Though you are damn good at the whole call centre bit, it can only lead to yet another thing you excel at and become bored with. You are such a arrogant bitch.

Dinner tonight, new fellow, his birthday... How long before you crush him and a part of yourself??? You keep meeting all these wonderful men and pushing them away before a month has passed. Being irresponsible with other peoples feelings... Typical of your self absorbed nature, yet destructive of your sensitive soul. Perhaps monogamy and marriage isn't for everyone and you little jokes about never settling down are doomed to be true. I say doomed in a slightly kidding but with an underlying seriousness.

Though on a lighter note (pun is so intended) I am glad to see you are going to the gym and your pants have been getting looser. If you could only work more on reducing that chest so you can buy that nice Iron Maiden T-shirt you tried on over the weekend. Though the Black Sabbath one you went with is lovely.

I am also excited to learn more about this new "project" of yours.

Speaking of which I recommend you make a list of everything you need to accomplish this week, I know you are a procrastinator so simply change your deadlines by one week.

Cheer up buttercup it's just a little snow and being overtired! You are not going crazy, you are just a little nutty!

Love always,

ME

PS. Tell Laura you love her, cause your abscessed tooth hasn't hurt since Saturday!

Resolute?

I don't believe I have ever made a New Years Resolution before.

Starting tomorrow (being that it is the first day of the new semester) I am going to develop a routine on Monday, Wednesday, Friday

6 am I will take my vitamins and make *greens* shake and pack a healthy lunch.

7:10 am carpool drive arrives

8:30 am attend classes

11:20 am (hopefully on break between classes can consume lunch).

1:20 pm complete last class of day.

1:45 pm work out in Gym.

3:00 pm shower,

3:30 pm go to library.

5:25 pm meet drive back to Moncton.

6 pm prepare healthy supper.

7 pm walk around block at least twice (no matter how cold it is).

8 pm study and read

10 pm leisure time.

I want to lose another 30 pounds in the next 3 months. Or at the very least be in a size 9, currently in size 13/15. In April I was a size 20. I want to be back in my "thin" jeans this summer. Going to Ozzfest in California this August.. I want to be wearing a bikini by then.

Begin full-time job to keep me busy. I work well under pressure and things have been too slack therefore I have not been applying myself.

I received my grades back I killed in 3 classes.. Did shitty in two others.. Time to get my act together.

Quit the "sneaking puffs" thing on NYE so no more cigs (Period!) for this girl.

Cut back the drinking to once a month. I have to choose my occasions.

AND last but not least.. No more boys.. I need to focus on school. Though having a boyfriend for a week was really awesome.

I was going to work out a budget but if I get a full time job I don't have to worry about budgeting.

OK OK I am going to develop a budget and stick to it.

Write, really write not just my little postcard blog.

Cheers!