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Where does one draw the line? How does one logically approach life? How much of our environment influences us? Our genetics? Our culture? Is being single a crime? Does it make me a lesser person? What is a relationship? Why does it have to mean only one other person? Does it have to be limited to one woman with one man, or one boy with one girl? Or one lady with one lady or one guy with one guy? Why do we not blink when we see a 55 year old man with a 20 year old girl, yet a 35 year old woman with a 28 year old man is scandalous? What is conventional? Am I too liberal? Where do our barriers and limitations end? Where do they commence? How does one justify their actions? Is my beliefs system more important then yours because I have more money? Education? I am Canadian, or American? Christian or Catholic? I am male as opposed to female? If I were older or younger? Because I saw more films, read entire collections of works, visited more museums and galleries? I had traveled further, and had more job experience?

Random Thoughts

I ate deer meat tonight for supper. I stopped myself from baking a cake, and had a small handful of chocolate chips. I found someone to practice typing in French to. I like my new job. I'm depressed.. Whoop de doo! I'm single and sometimes I love it and other times I hate it! Who cares? I used to be "plus size" now I'm just "bigger." WTF is "bigger" and who decided it was a fucking compliment?

What is love? Is it a tingle in your stomach, a gleam in your eye, a spring in your step? I thought I had to stay single till I found it, just because they kept falling in love with me (aren't I, an arrogant bitch). I hated hurting them, one after another.. Mind you, I used to relish in it. Oh yes, I was a cold and twisted little bitch when I was younger. They'd fall for me and I'd toy with them. It was a game, a manipulative and hurtful game. Then I recognized my game and I put a stop to it. So I thought.. I think I went from playing the games with them, to playing the game with myself.

I miss my incoherent rambles.

WasteLand

I have a JOB!

Relax

I think I am going to change all my stuff over to Alberta. On paper this will be my permanent residence.

I turned down a job yesterday to be a "lead bartender" (in charge of all the bartenders and bartending myself) which is something I would love to do. The pay was unreasonable. I have a telephone interview later today for a job in the business field... I rock the socks off interviews.

I have been having mini panic attacks... If it's still going on when my parents get back I am going to see the doctor here. I lost my prescription in the move.

Went for tea with my Mother, her best friend Debbie and my Grandmother yesterday at these beautiful gardens.


We shared a piece of this amazing German Chocolate cake. They left for Vancity this morning, and I am home alone for the next 8 days.

Time to start dealing with my bullshit.

Done

maybe I should stop writing my bullshit for everyone to read.

Holy FUCK!

Jamie's Summer Concert Itinerary:

July 11-Edmonton-Unholy Alliance Tour

SLAYER,CHILDREN OF BODOM, LAMB OF GOD, MASTODON, THINE EYES BLEED

August 3rd-Vancouver

ROB ZOMBIE & ANTHRAX

August 10th- Vancouver-Sounds of the Underground Tour

IN FLAMES, TRIVIUM, CANNIBAL CORPSE, TERROR,THE BLACK DAHLIA MURDER, BEHEMOTH, THE CHARIOT, THROUGH THE EYES OF THE DEAD,
AS I LAY DYING

WITH VERY SPECIAL GUESTS
GWAR

August 14th-Dartmouth- Flip the Switch

NOFX, Against Me, Protest the Hero, Cancer Bats, the Gorgeous, Dean Malenkos, Risky Business, Hostage Life, Letter Unfolds, Hope, the Hold

With Giganatour in Montreal sometime late August early September with MEGADETH and ARCH ENEMY!

home

I miss Moncton!

I had a bizarre weekend.


Details and pictures tomorrow!

Post Secret

On one hand I am scared this will someday be me.





On the other hand.. if I am barren, maybe it's for the best.

Got a secret-Share a secret

How apropos!

Deciding

So since Saturday night I have been converting the time, by 3 hours to the East Coast time, wondering what's going on now that I am departed. Driving myself mad thinking of all the fun stuff I am missing.

and then I suddenly had an epiphany!

I'm in Alberta now, this is where I will be until I mosey over to Vancouver or back to the East Coast.

This is where I am! This is who I am!

I realized this last night.. This is where I am now, this is where I will be... Until that changes I have to stop living in other places, thinking about what's going on without me.


I think it's finally sunk in. I am in Alberta.

oh and I also realized.

Moncton is my home now.

Perfection

Did you ever finally find that perfect pair of sunglasses. The ones that just suit your face, you feel like a secret agent or a rock star when they slide on your nose.

I did last summer, they were less than 10$ and they just were the perfect fit.

Of course now they are slightly battered, scratched and perhaps bent, but they still have the same effect.

I wanted to bring them back to the west with me. Hoping to find their close relative to buy a few more pairs. Plus I enjoy feeling like a rock star.

I just ran around the house for 20 minutes looking for them, afraid they had been left behind in New Brunswick. This was not the first time this week I had done this..

I couldn't' find them anywhere, I tore threw everything, frantically asking my parents if they had noticed them lying around... No such luck.

I thought back to when I had torn threw my suitcases on Saturday morning searching madly for them... Or was that a drugged out haze.. Stupid Gravol and it's adverse side effects on me.

Eric would know!

I picked up the phone dialed his number and sat down on the bed, feel like a fool I explained my dilemma and asked him if he recalled where I had found them, or better yet, did he remember me looking, had I found them or was this a bizarre dream I had. (Gravol hits me hard and I have to take a lot when I fly and the turbulence on Saturday was especially brutal.)

He thought, I could almost hear the hamster in the wheel across 4 provinces, wracking his brain, as I tried to recall their whereabouts as well. I had only unpacked 2 days previously.

Where are my fucking sunglasses? What good is a photographic memory if you can't remember where the photograph was taken?

As I pick up my head and Eric has finished telling me he can't recall where they are, I glance at the dresser under the letter I had started writing to him... I see my glasses, but wait the lenses are tinted..

"Dammit Eric, I found them."

Then he makes some joke about them never being missing in the first place and it being just a silly excuse to call him. It almost makes me wish it had been, because then I would've had more time to talk to him. I was rushing, Dan would be here soon, we are off on an adventure to walk his dog and go for a hike...

turns out Dan was running late and I have time to write this wild tale.

the list

you're my dirty little secret.




things I want to do before August 14th.

1. Voice lessons
2. Learn Sign Language.
3. Loose 30 lbs
4. Become better typist.
5. Write 3,000 word essay.
6. Write at least 1 (one) postcard to everyone who pm'd addresses.
7. Review History texts.
8. Decide classes for next semester.
9. Save 1,000 and pay off Visa.
10. Buy new sneakers.
11. Buy dress shoes without heels.
12. Write 3 new songs.
13. Listen to more french programs.
14. make pros and cons list.
15. find my own happiness

drowning

I started binge drinking. I was getting drunk often. I was getting out of control drunk. I was maintaining my composure but I was loaded. I hid it well. I had stopped caring. I was scared I was truly losing my mind. I thought I had failed everyone. I thought I had failed myself.

I come across as a fairly cheerful, well put together individual. I have morals, ethics, values. I adhere to them, I don't judge others based on my own biases. I had character flaws, and I let my own lack of self control and fear of responsibility control my life.

Change.

It's time for a change. I have been thinking, a lot of thinking, a lot of painful, uncomfortable thinking. Things that I have avoided, things that scare me, I don't' have all the answers, I can't evaluate every situation and create a viable solution. But I can take one small step at a time. I can admit that I was hurt, I can admit I was scared and I can admit that I am tough enough to overcome all of this. I also can admit that I needed help, and I received it, and I may still need help and I will ask for it.

It's my "I hate being female" time, so the rambling will be extra strange, deal with it. *grin*

Thank God I am a stubborn pig headed bitch, no drinking, no smoking, no fast food, and laods of exercise. I wish it wasn't pissing rain.. it's making me even more blech and I can't go for a run.

Oh the writing bug has returned.... you're all in trouble.

My Grammy!

Greatest lady in the entire world.

Just when I thought for certain I would finally disappoint her, causing her to lose faith in me.. She surprised me once again as she tells me, everything is going to be A-ok. I'm not alone. I'm never alone.

I have an amazing life, because I am fortunate enough to know the most amazing people on the planet.

Running Away Again

Day 1.

I really like him, and I have a lump in my throat.

Don't regret. Life's about lessons. If it's meant to be...

I have arrived in Alberta. Not certain how long I will be here. Not certain I made the right choice. Not certain what I left behind. Not certain of what I may return to, if anything. Where do I begin to look for her? Will she want to see me? Do I want to see what she has become.

Uncertainty... That's been the problem for the last 6 months. I came here for clarity. Or did I? Perhaps I came here to escape.

Gypsy, wanderer, rambling woman, blown by the wind from one end of this country to the other, on a whim.

Is he truly wonderful, or is he wonderful because I only got a glimpse of him and he of I. Searching for his faults, but they only seem to make him more endearing. I made mine obvious, obvious excuses, obvious evidence. Isn't it obvious?

I keep hiding behind shiny.

They say that I'm a heart breaker, and I deny it tooth and nail. Then I see the ones lying in the aftermath. I am a tornado of chaos, swooping in and instigating wild adventures and disorganized everything in my path. I told him I couldn't be his friend, because he told me he loved me. Another friend lost to the cursed "love." It wasn't me, it was the idea of the girl I used to be, why couldn't he see past that.

ps this wasn't supposed to make sense.