Weepy Wisdom

"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."

-- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

SO this could very well be it... I may not get to write here again
till August... I haven't really wrote much of anything lately
anyway... Just mindless drivel.

The last two guys I dated read this, so I couldn't really talk about
them, my friend landed herself in some hot water, and I couldn't'
really get into that. My job was boring so there was nothing to report
there... some of the other things on my mind just aren't simply
conveyed through mere words....

I am smitten with someone who I know will never return my affection...
I want to tell him, I know I can't... Is that to be considered a regret?

Alice came to a fork in the road.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

-- Lewis Carroll, Alice In Wonderland

You make me want to be a better person, to strive for something
greater, to be stronger, faster, smarter, and to get in shape. I
never felt so much like a "woman" as I do when I am with you, and yet,
time, distance and my fear of rejection, will keep this all under
wraps until I suppress it (yet a year has not hindered it in the
slightest). I can't write anything else... For I have said to much
already... I sound like a silly girl with a crush. ( you were right
again, I do sound like a teen soap opera.)

"My image is of agony, my servants rape the land
Obsequious and arrogant, clandestine and vain"

--Motorhead

I have to go finish packing... I have to find my Gravol, my cousin,
Jennifer, (hairdresser just got married,) gave me some free samples
from her salon for traveling (so awesome). I have to meet my other
cousin Shannon at 4 she is letting me store some of my stuff at their
place in Sackville. Which is so awesome then I don't have to worry
about finding somewhere to store it for the summer.

Speaking of cousins my cousin Vanessa may be moving back to the East coast for University, though I think she is going to UNBSJ, but she also got accepted to Dalhousie, so that's very exciting.

Oh packing, right, so toothbrush, soap.... hrmm... Apparently it's been around the 20's out there so I am leaving behind the good old winter jacket... If I end up needing on they have Value Villages there as well.

I am very excited to be seeing my parents hard to believe it's been almost a year since I seen my daddy, and his birthday is in two weeks, and with Mothers day coming...

Thanks everyone who reads this... I've had 6815 hits on this page since I put up the counter in the middle of December, which I think is pretty gosh darn cool.

I have a lot more to say (but what else is new) but I really have been procrastinating far too much.

Love you guys, have a fantastic summer.... Start blogs so I can read about your summers when I return... I will try and pop in an say hi over the summer... Who knows maybe I will get to update even more... I am going to try and keep a written journal... I never succeed at that.

What am I doing?

I'm so confused....

CB Bound

Rather excited... Have to jump in shower throw clothes in bag... Meeting Morgan for coffee, hitting Halifax to pick up Kenzie, heading to the Cape to meet up with all my Baptist's (my new word) friends at Hermans.

Tomorrow I get to visit with Nikki, MJ and Jamie, hopefully Kiara will be back from Halifax (we always cross paths) and I have been invited over to my Aunt and Uncles for supper..

Pretty soon the goodbyes are going to start flowing...

So yea if you are reading this and live in CB, be at Hermans tonight so I can say Hi! It's Jaclyn and Aimee's going away festivities... Which I get to see them again in a few weeks suckers :D

This trip was a last minute thing so I sincerely apologize if I don't get to see some of you when I am down... I will be back in August.

LOVE!

I love you guys

What a wonderful crazy fun filled weekend... I figured out a lot of crazy things... I had a terrific time and I was awake at 9 am today... I went shopping bought new sneakers and sandals (thank you payless).

The weather has been delightful, I am anxiously anticipating my trip.... Still have a biggillion things to do..

Started sorting and packing today, with the lovely Laura's aid....

My drunk friend repeatedly told off and police officer on Saturday night till I threaten to rip her face off, and politely dismissed the cop with promises to take her the hell home.....

My life is just one big adventure... Speaking of which... Sunday afternoon I am tearing down the highway shades on radio up and this car goes zooming by me, and I see this girl in eh backseat whip her head around and give me a weird look... They start slowing down and I thought fuck those hoes and start to fly by them... and the rear window goes down and I see this girl waving out the window and I am thinking look at these nutjobs... Boy how RIGHT was... It's Jaclyn and Aimee I was very excited to see them...I jumped in with them... We shot down to Saint John (the ghetto of NB) chilled out and ripped back to Moncton... So awesome to see them... They are also preparing to head out west though their trip is much more permanent... I am thrilled for those girls.

I am worried about being able to update when I go away... I am worried about what I am leaving behind and I am scared for the changes I will face when I return... I can do this...

Though I have started the emotional detachment phase of moving... I seperate myself from certian people to make parting easier... Though the hardest ones to leave behind... don't even realize the difference they have made in my life.

Vindication

I had the zaniest night...

I ended up counseling my friend on his boyfriend troubles, seeing a co worker drunk out of his mind, driving someone's father out to the bar, and rocking out with him later to Iron Giant. I lost my cool over something stupid (damn time of the month), and my internet at home is down so I couldn't' even go home and vent.

I can't even tell you about eh really weird parts of my evening...

I am listening to a symphony perform Metallica covers very intense.

My friend Dave passed his tests to be in the air force... I am quite excited for him *Congratulations* (too bad his brother is a no good loser still working at Stream *giggles)

Did I tell you I'm Alberta bound! Tickets have been purchased I fly out of Halifax Tuesday May 3rd 4 pm.

I picked up a cute hitchhiker from Montreal this afternoon on my way to Sackville. He asked if I had a boyfriend, he said I was sexy (I think he was blind or delusional) and asked me to come stay with him in Halifax...

GO SEE SIN CITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PHENOMENAL!

IRON GIANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AMAZING!!!!!!!!!

Seen two other bands last night and was very impressed by both, The Mark Inside and C'Mon, though Iron Giant was mind blowingly awesome. Something about the lead singers voice and stage presence just pulls you in caresses you and then kicks you in the face. Definitely sexy!

Psyched for Motorhead, Ace of Spades is on repeat in my brain. :P

*His touch felt familiar, sliding along her back, his hand on her shoulder, she lifts her eyes and meets his gaze.. She could really fall for him... Another time, another place... Another girl.. Another heartbreak.*

Boogie Woogie

In a twisted jumbled pile I lie... Thinking of all the things I should be doing, people I should call... The energy and enthusiasm has gone... Replaced by the desire to sleep, and sleep and sleep...

I need to throw on some tunes, and clean the bathroom, finish up the dishes and throw some laundry in the washer.

I am still trying to book tickets to Calgary for less than 300$.. That may mean waiting to fly out till the 17th of May..

My cousins wedding went well.

I seen a guy riding a bicycle Saturday night with his thumb stuck out hitch-hiking who hitchhikes on a bicycle? Crazy French people.

The opportunity for me to be an evil and immature bitch presented itself a few times in the last week, I didn't succumb.

I want to get drunk and get into a fight, where is Davinna when I need her? (OK so I am fairly passive and probably won't get into an actual fight but it was fun getting drunk with Davinna and talking about all the people we were going to beat up... We could if we so desired... We totally kick ass!)

I found more scholarships... Obscure ones... If anyone is needing them I can give you the sites... if anyone has any knowledge of scholarships I can apply for please send me the information, it will be greatly appreciated.

I finished the Bell Jar, was slightly depressed afterwards, I am reading Hey Nostradamus (about a fictional school shooting in a British Columbia city), next I am reading Night (holocaust).

I almost beat Eddy in chess twice last night... I was one move from checkmate and he put me in checkmate... The practice is great though.

Man my blog is boring? Why are you reading it?

I need to update..

Sickness almost gone...

I have to work tonight..

Motorhead and Alberta quickly approaching...excitement building.

Still haven't sold car

Thinking I want about 20,000$ for it... Hoping to get 18,000... not
overly worried as long as I get rid of it. Searching net for more
scholarships... If anyone knows of any obscure scholarships I may
qualify for let me know... There is quite a few that I wont' be able
to apply for cause I am no longer in high school... which sucks and I
have no idea what my average was when I graduated....

This isn't really an update it was just me blathering...

When I get nervous in groups I put on my angry "don't' fucking fuck
with me face" and then wonder why people don't' run over and try and
make friends lol.

I am making chicken fingers.... mmm... chicken fingers....

Did I ever tell you how great my family is... This summer is going to
fucking ROCK!

(I wrote this 3 days ago... blogger sucks and I hate it right now)

Sickness and Sympathy

I have been on a strict regime of Dayquil and Nyquil since Monday... I
hate feeling like this... I have added a decongestant spray to the
mix... I don't' feel like myself... I hate how drugs affect my
brain... I feel slow and lazy... I want to just crawl in bed and
sleep... I am whiny and irritable... I want attention nd affection...
I am moody and woozy..... BLECH!

My mom's Birthday was yesterday... i love my mommy so much and I miss
her and my daddy.... i was really excited about them coming down for
my cousins wedding on Saturday... Now they aren't coming... It makes
me even more depressed... i am really looking forward to seeing them
this summer... My parents are the coolest people... They are very
accepting and forgiving... No matter how many times i have done
something completely stupid and screwed up shit or embarrassed them...
They still love me and just roll their eyes...

I will try and post something a little bit less retarded this weekend...

Sorry for the crappy post, spell check not workign and blogger hates me.

My roommate is such an asshole...

I wrote this yesterday afternoon... and I can finally publish it now.

Hello again

So I am selling my car... I have been procrastinating...I really love that car...There is so much freedom in owning your own means of transportation... But I am making the call tomorrow to find out how much is left owing.. Crossing my fingers it is less than I think it is... Whatever is left owing is what it is getting sold for... Maybe a little more to cover my traveling expenses to Alberta..

OMG I am flying to Alberta one month from today... The Junos are on TV at work. Nilly talent is singing... I don't like Billy Talent..

I will be playing chess with this guy Eddy that I work with, he has kicked my ass every single game we have played and I will be here till 3 am and he will kick my ass at every single game... It's nice to get the practice though... At least now it's not in less than 6 moves...

I am reading this book called The Stone Diaries, it takes place mainly in Manitoba and a bit in the states and Ontario... If you get the chance read American Gods and Good Omens... Anyone want to recommend some summer reading to me?

My Condolences

The Pope has died.

"Pope John Paul II, the leader of the world's 1.1 billion Roman Catholics, died Saturday at the age of 84."
-CBC News

Mellow-Dramatic Mishmash

What is wrong with me.. I got more good news today about university.. Yet I am sitting here all morose... whining like an imbecile.... I know I am being an idiot... Yet I can't seem to shake it... I think I keep waiting for the other ball to drop for the curtain to be drawn back and everyone to say "April Fools" your entire life is a sham... You really are the gross stupid fat depressed pig you always thought you were....

Then of course I kick myself in the ass and realize.....

I should quit fucking bitching like a goddamn woman (no offence to women)....

My back hurts....

In one month and one day I will be seeing Motorhead.... In one month and 3 days I will be on an airplane again... In 5 months plus a few days I will be attending university... In 6 months plus 4 days I will be turning 24....

An entrance scholarship for a thousand dollars in the first year, 750$ every year after that... Not too shabby... I get to file for more scholarships and student loans... Maybe I can do this.... Wait I am going to do this... I am going to kick some ass while doing it!!!!!!!!!!

Blech

I need to update... I need to tell you all about it... I am a teenage soap opera... Blech....

I was going to post an April Fools joke.... I am not that clever at quarter to 6 in the morning... I just finished reading the Rise and Fall of Jim Crow... Very heavy stuff... Now begins the Bell Jar... A real pick me up.

Going to see Sin City this weekend...

Need to post an update..

this was not it.