4 in 1

HOW LAME-O is that?

can't write, can't think.. trying to concentrate..

After exams I am heading to Halifax for a week of debauchery.. Who's with me?

Sorry dudes I have started four posts.. they all involved me whining.. they are listed below

I can't say what I want or need to say...

I can't, I won't..

I am a ship adrift in a sea of confusion... (EMO KID!)


Shiny Disco Balls


My brain has been spinning in a million directions... I have no idea what I want right now-I keep trying to keep my concentration on school. I hate how people keep telling me I'm intelligent when I can't even remember basic things people should know. I hate that I am sucking so bad at Psych... I hate that I am whining.. cause I truly have an amazing life..

I am getting stir crazy...

I pulled a hair off my t-shirt today that was really long.. turns out it was still attached to my head.. and I realized.. it's my hair.. my hair is getting really long.. I talked to an old friend on messenger today.This guy I knew from Sask. He was looking at my display pic and going.. who is that? I have changed so much since living there... I had zero confidence.. I had short hair (like an inch) and I was ROUND.

I said something to my roommate about going from a size 20 in April to a buying size 13, a new skirt at Rietman's last week:
she says: "A TWENTY"
I say:"YEA"
her: "But I don't' remember you being fat!"
me :hehehehe"
Sarah:"Not that you were fat"
Jamie: "HAHAHHAHA, I still am"

Coolio

I want to commit more time to studying.. I want to lock myself in the dungeon this next week to really make an effort to do well on my exams... I want to stop being ashamed of my intelligence.

I want to stop being ashamed of my sexuality and body... It is NATURAL for a 24 year old woman to want to practise the biological imperative... constantly.. RIGHT?

I tried on a pair of pants I haven't had on since July... They are loose.. Oh yea baby! I haven't even been "sticking with the program" I am imagining if I did!

I am devising a routine for exam week, I am going to follow that goddamn routine.

I have a 1500 word essay to write tonight.. I have a project to complete tomorrow...

I have secrets... Why do strangers tell me the most intimate details of their life upon first meeting me?

Stop IT!

you are only making yourself more anxious. you are only complicating the situation.... you are not the good person that you pretend to be... you cannot move.. you cannot move!!! you cannot hide..you are an adult now, this is what you wanted.. stop running away like a child! you must face your demons..

YOU must stop being a melodramatic bitch...

why do these people read your words.. is this a glimpse into the reality of your life and mind? or is this just another mask, another layer over your already misconstrued face...

why can't you accept a compliment.. why are you so oblivious to their advances? Why are you so arrogant, and egotistical.. Have you changed? can you change?

You Lucky Bitch

I was so nervous about not completing my essay on Wednesday that I didn't go to class.. Turns out there was an extention (sp?) till today!

I am a lucky fucking Bitch.

Professor Wilson told me I can email it to him.. and he has a Mac as well.. So no worries about finding someone to switch it over to word..

Seriously I want to cry... Always land on my feet. :P

SHUT UP JAMIE!

Holy Crap!

I just read some of my past posts.. My writing is atrocious.. I must proof read.. I have to correct my pathetic mistakes.

I have to stop doing the "....." all the fucking time! How annoying is that?

I usually just run the spell checker through quickly and then publish... BAD JAMIE!

I am also going to work on my actual typing skills. I find I have just gotten lazy and I don't correct myself. I also like to think of this as free thought put to "paper" which also prevents me from editing stuff.

Which I could stop spilling my guts on the internet altogether.

Did I mention I didn't sleep much lately, less than 6 hours in 3 days-idiot!

better now

The clouds have parted, the rain is gone.. I was in a horrid mood all day, very ominous stuff going on.. I was worried the weather would become a pathetic fallacy... Thank goodness it did not.

I am tingling.... I haven't barely slept in a week... Yet... I have this renewed energy... Based on some great conversation, and a sense that school is going to be ok and I can stop panicking...

My Aunt Linda and Uncle Donnie from Cape Breton are down for a visit, it was lovely to see them. They were staying with my great Aunt Rose and Uncle Allister, Sean and I had a great time visiting with everyone. Even though Kiddo is sick.

Sean mentioned in passing about looking for a job in Grande Prairie when he goes to spend Christmas with Mom and Dad. Made me really sad. I like having my "little" brother around even if he is almost a foot taller than me.

I am turning my essay in today, which I will be reprimanded at a penalty of 3% per day so let's hope it's a kick ass essay.

I cannot wait to return home and sleep today.

Finally

I knew it was going to happen.. I knew I was going to crack.. this is it.. This is me cracking...

I have to write a thousand word essay in less than 3 hours.. Can I do this? It's only worth 10%.. It can be late its' only a 3% penalty.. but that's not me..

I just don't' know where to begin I don't' know what to say.. I don't know

I DO NOT KNOW!

I got back an English Essay B+, I talked to my prof about improving.. This is what first semester and Intro to English is about right.. Learning making mistakes and all that fun stuff...

RIGHT?????????????

the thousand word essay is simple.. Like extremely simple.. Read two chapters and talk about rural life of pre French revolution peasants... I mean I did stuff like this in Junior High... What is wrong with me.. I can't start I don't' know how to begin.. I can't come up with the first line.. I am drawing a total blank.. Once I get started it will flow but... BUT...

I am an idiot.. Now you all know.. I am a stupid fucking moron.. Who was I fucking kidding coming here.. I have a 2300 word essay due Monday... I have a 1500 word essay due the 2nd and also a Environmental Studies assignment that is supposedly 10 pages.. Can I do this.. Who am I fooling.. Why can't I write???????????

I blather away constantly why can't I write?

I am going to go eat my sandwhich and carrot sticks and then just go mad.. anyone want to edit for me when I am done?

Where was I...

ohh yea.. So some old dirt bags were hitting on me when I wasn't' sitting at the table with my brother and cousin.. There was one really hot guy who I made eye contact with but having the brother Blocker with me.. Didn't help and well.. I hate to sound horrid but the whole military men thing kinda turns me off... I man uniforms are sexy but apparently they are drunks who have barely any respect for women... yea...

Saturday everyone slept in... We ordered pizza and watched Amityville Horror... Around 6pm my cousins' friends began to walk through eh door... There was a really cute guy, Chris, who turns out has 3 kids, the oldest is 9 and he's the same age as me in the eh middle of a divorce....YOWZERS!

We hit this bar in Fredericton... OMG a real honest to goodness cougar bar.. All exaggerating and kidding aside I was the hottest chick in this bar... Met some cool people (guys)...

Met this really interesting guy from East Africa we had a great chat.. We danced some.. he followed me around the bar like a puppy... The country he was from. was a place where Tim had been stationed... He talked to Tim, who later advised me to not continue speaking to this guy because he was in Canada on political asylum... Trin had already invited him back to their place for a party.. I grabbed Mr.Mom from earlier and told him to walk quickly towards the cab and act like he was taking me home...

Did I ever tell you how the weirdest things always happen to me...

Did I mention hot metalheads from after party? Yea... It's been a crazy last few days..

Now its' time to buckle down and get my essays written and assignments completed and start studying for exams...

One last thing.. Guess who has never been to California?

me

Guess who has been to Ozzfest?

Me

Guess who is going to Ozzfest in 2006 in San Bernadina California?

ME!

FUCK YEA!

Guess who is also going to Motley Crue in Halifax?

Me again!

Guess who is so happy she could cry?

Oh yea that's right ME!

My oh my

Where to begin.. Well this was my last weekend as a free woman, from here out I have projects and studying, and no time for partying... Well except perhaps wild Wednesday wing nights. I think I may have had an extreme amount of fun the last few days...

Wednesday night was wing night.. Went out had a blast and didn't' get home till after 4 am I started falling asleep on this cute guys couch... If he did not share the same name as my father I think I would have asked him out...

Thursday.. Had a falling out with someone close to me.. Will not' be talking to him for a while.. Which is sad..

Then got read y for the METAL SHOW... I have been so excited for this show.. Partially because I love the opening band Black Frost, and I was excited to see some other black metal bands... Partly because I was going to finally get to wear out my corset.

WHAT AN AMAZING SHOW!!!!!

I had so much fun... Loads of compliments on "my outfit" and loads of hot metal guys checking me out.. Which was great for Jamie's self esteem hehehehe.

I was also told I should win some sort of award for "thrashing".. I think that means it was cool to see a chick head bang???? I avoided the "mosh" pit, I was in a skirt and heeled boots, plus a corset.. That could have turned really embarrassing really quick.

The after party was fun, didn't' get home till around 4:30 and didn't' get to sleep till almost 6 am and had to be up sometime around 7am I hit snooze a lot on the alarm.. Got to school to discover my first class was cancelled argh!

Got home and packed up some stuff to hit the road with Kiddo for Trin and Tim's place. We got to my cousins around 5 and had a lovely evening visiting with Trin. Went out to the base bar (she is stationed in Gagetown).

Tried to avoid military men and there bad pick up lines.. Being with my "little" brother (he's 6'5) helped. One guy stopped my cousin as we were coming off the dance floor to ask if her husband was in Afghanistan. (Tim was at a mess dinner) what kind of pick up line is that. Like FUCK!

to be continued

new corset

WICKED

I had the most unbelievably magnificent time last evening.

BEHEMOTH!

Going to see some Polish Black Metal!

Very excited!

Black Frost is playing as well and I REALLY enjoy them.

Necronomicon is also playing, have never heard any of thir stuff but you never know.

Anyway.

Cheers!

I didn't thnk it would hurt this much.

Coward

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

-Marianne Williamson

(This was for YOU! God-Dammit DO SOMETHING)

Revelations of the weekend...

In no particular order.

I want to learn more about religion... If it's "Eternity" I think I want to be more informed, crazy idea but eternity is a VERY long time...

I am actually thinking maybe History as a major and religious studies as a minor.. Become a scholar... (OOOOOOOOOOOO AHHHHHHHH)

wouldn't that be cool if I became a historical religious expert...

I know it scares me too.

I want to be swept off my feet by my "prince"... This was concluded after my friend Tasha made a comment along those lines and I found myself crying in the bathroom.

(You can say I told you so... But I was content in my previous ignorance).

I have a pretty awesome brother and if anyone hurts him I may be liable to kill them... No seriously.. The more I get to know the kid the more I suspect that I am actually adopted, my family is so kick ass... He has excellent morals and values, well I guess I do too.. Did I ever tell you that I have awesome parents... a really KICK ASS grandmother... Who I had so much fun visiting on the weekend.. She spoils me rotten!!!!

I have a retarded ego, and I rationalize it by comparing it to my uber egotistical friends... Which isn't logical or reasonable... I also have a lot of friends who feed into that ego... But it sure is great compared to how insecure I used to be.. Though I do have moments of intense self doubt.

I am normal... I am just as fucked up as everyone else... I struggle with making myself a better person daily... I balance out all my self absorption with a strong desire to help others and be self less... Altruistic... (barf gag barf).... This blog thing is really bad for the whole ego and self absorbed bitch thing.. But it's an excellent way for me to vent and try and redeem myself...

I let people get close.. Then I push them away.. I sense the "push people away" mode setting in... Normally this is followed by a pulling them in even closer and then moving away... I can't do this... I wonder if I'll just hibernate for a while... Be a sociable anti-soc.... Find big crowds and slip through them with my "wall"... It's part of why I love moving.. Going to new places where no one knows me and just slide through the crowds... Can you identify with being alone while being surrounded by people???

I miss writing poetry... fromage fromage.

Another revelation I actually am going to investigate further.

I want to see my name on the jacket of a novel.. I want to be an author.. a real author.. There is one genre I have been dabbling in... Perhaps I will obtain a government grant over the summer to write a novel... That could be fun. I will have four university English courses under my belt by then... Maybe my writing won't be so crappy... =)

hanging out with university geeks you hear a lot of "in my soc class, or my psych prof said", and my fave, "in this latest bit of literature I perceived."

I am a pretentious bitch.

I am not going to Ontario for Christmas... I will be responsible (shocking isn't it) and find a job... Devote time to my studies, and do a little traveling to CB.

People don't think the same way I do... No one is perfect, and every day is a struggle.. But in the end the pleasure is worth the pain....

"HELL"

Faced with what is right, to leave it undone shows a lack of courage.
Confucius

I bought new optical mouse... Hell yea

I have a kick ass family.. Double hell yea.

I have fantabulous friends... hella yea


I am "in love".... Hell no....

I read one and 1/4 of the 4 books I was supposed to read this weekend... Well one I don't' have ot have read till Wednesday but still... Tess of the D'Ubervilles.. I read this book in like grade 8... I wanted to hit Tess in the head when I read it then... I wonder how it will go this time around... Does 10 years change opinions?

I helped my brother Sean put my grandmother's wood in over the weekend.. Back a little sore tonight...

I still don't know what to do for Christmas...

I was panicked about this 4-5 pages essay I had to do in a week... Yea turns out the prof thinks 1000 words is 4-5 pages.. I can write a thousand words in a n hour.. I mean do you see how much I ramble on here... I *heart* university.... Now if only I could do better than a fucking C in psych...

I am debating on whether or not I should talk abut my huge philosophical and spiritual revelations from the weekend... It'll probably just sound like hooey anyway.

I wanna be a pirate

I have a short attention span.. It still surprises me that I keep this updated. It been over two years since I began blogging.. I started this blog after I moved from eh cape. Almost one year ago, and the one I had to keep track of my adventures in the Cape was updated regularly as well.. I like it.. My postcards....

My brother is coming to pick me up in a hour., we are heading to my grandmothers for the night.. Going to do the remembrance day service with her tomorrow.. Then go home and put the last bit of her wood in,.. If it doesn't rain....

I bought some new pants at Value Village the other day.. I don't own many pants that fit anymore (this losing weight stuff is great but has it's downside) and now that cold weather is here I should stop wearing my little skirts...

My corset came in.. I love it.. Now I just have to find a cool white blouse to wear under it to perfect the pirate look... I have decided I want to be a pirate... Or at least that's the look I want to start going with.. bandannas and black boots... a white blouse with corset laced over it.. So awesome... No eyepatch or parrot...

Lately I feel like I have been doing a countdown to my doom.. The day I was waiting for has come and gone, nothing... I have no patience.... Yet I have all the patience in the world...

I have been making a lot of revelations lately.. and the latest one has been...No more dating for this chick... Unless the next guy shows up on a motorcycle with flowers... And not stupid roses (unless they are white roses)... he has to have confidence... I think I scared the last one away cause we went out and a bunch of guys were staring at me...

it's my girly time.. Took some painkillers now I am saying inappropriate things... Go me.. I hate taking painkillers now..

I have to finish packing or Sean will kill me...

I keep ding things to drive people away... Thankfully it's not been working...

I hate being emotional....

something bad is going to happen soon.. I can feel it.. it scares me...

Accomplishment

I wrote my essay.. I have 900 words.. Oh yea.. Now I just have to write the conclusion and link the arguments.. I am
D-O-N-E! Yippee!

It's not due till Wednesday and I have it almost completely written..

I spoke to the ONLY parson on the planet who can piss me off in less than 30 seconds last night.. I went from fairly good mood to crying my eyes out on the couch and screaming my head off.. I almost threw my cordless phone across the room... I haven't had a violent outburst like that in ages... Family... Ach...

so apparently the more I study for my psych the worse I do... Bloody hell!

Its my dear friend Jeff's birthday today... I am going to go call him and sing happy birthday, poor guy.. but he has to love me... =)

Well that was fun.. Then I talked to Laura, she's hilarious... It's good to have old friends, she keeps me level headed. In some aspects we are polar opposites, but in most we are eerily alike.

" Touched my heart, touched my soul. Changed my life, and all my goals"
-James Blunt

*I am so happy you are ok! I am going to write you another email tonight, good thing you actually enjoy the Jamie rants*

Thank you

My life is about balance..

I was depressed because of a few things lately.. mainly one thing I can't bear to discuss and the other is I am bombing psych.. well BARELY passing....

but I dont' care if I totally fail psych becasue... I just had the most wonderful news...

She emailed me..

SHE'S ALIVE, AND SEEMS WELL... AND WILL CALL ME SOON...

She says she is my biggest fan.. and that she looks up to me...

she is my inspiration and the reason I count my blessings daily.

let the tears fall down like rain.. I am so happy...

slipknot

"the unrequited dream, the song no one sings, the unattainable"
The vermilion part 2

my friend Eric sent this to me first a long time ago.. It meant nothing then.. Listening to it again tonight after Kevin sent it to me.. Touched me...

in my junior high school there was a sign over the door that said

"if you think you can
or you think you can't
either way you are correct"

regret nothing.

Quotes & Quips

"Coach Ken Carter: What is your deepest fear?
Timo Cruz: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Coach Carter (2005)

"Chuckie: Oh, I don't know that. Let me tell you what I do know. Every day I come by to pick you up. And we go out we have a few drinks, and a few laughs and it's great. But you know what the best part of my day is? It's for about ten seconds from when I pull up to the curb to when I get to your door. Because I think maybe I'll get up there and I'll knock on the door and you won't be there. No goodbye, no see you later, no nothin'. Just left. I don't know much, but I know that."
-Good Will Hunting (1997)

Neil: I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life ... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
-Dead Poet's Society (1989)

Waste no more time talking about great souls and how they should be. Become one yourself!
-Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121 AD - 180 AD)

I believe that one of life's greatest risks is never daring to risk.
-Oprah Winfrey (1954 - )

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
-Charles M. Schulz (1922 - 2000)

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
-Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900)

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
-R. D. Laing

Pretensions & Perceptions

I got another paper back.. Got an "A"... Wrote my psych midterm I think it went better than the last... I only got a C+ on my last psych midterm...

Going to the HOPE CD release tonight... Should be good times!

I want to go see Jarhead this weekend...

Two people on the planet (outside of my family) see right through my bullshit my best friend of 9 years (holy shit!!!) and someone I haven't seen in 7 years.

Ostencious.... Yea it suits me to a tee!

"Love is an unarmed intruder"
-Jeanette Winterson
"Lighthousekeeping"

Happy Hallow e'en

Evil Snow White


Saturday's Costume

Glamming it up on Monday!


If you want to see more pics let me know and I'll send you the links to my photobucket.

Time for another rant

Self reflective, psychotic rant brought to you by your very own local self absorbed bitch:

Jamie

I am afraid I am becoming one of those people.. You know "those" people.. Who think they know everything because they go to university... ooo yea... I have to watch myself... It sucks because I am naturally inclined to educate (it's in my genes, no honestly it is), yet what the hell do I know, and what makes me any more intelligent than anyone else... Nothing...

I realize we all have our thing, some people it';s biology or math, others it's mechanics or plumbing, some people it's fashion, or films.... My thing is English... No actually it's literature.. I believe am pretty awesome at analyzing literature.... My typing skills are very shoddy, which accounts for most of my poor posts.. I do know how to spell... I just hate editing my blog posts.. I find I delete half of what I write when I do... Overly analytical.... Where was I going with this.. I think I was just saying I am enjoying my love affair with acquiring knowledge..I just have to be careful not to drive everyone else nuts with my desire to share it....

yea that's it...

I am such a self absorbed asshole.. I need to buy warning labels to stick on my chest (because it will be the most easily identified) about what a fucktard I am...

I think I have ADHD... Attention Deficit Hyperactive disorder... Having to sit down and study... Only further reinforces my fear that I have a complete lack of attention.. My friend Laura's comments this summer about my fluttery attentive nature started my suspicions.. I have a cousin who is... I really should get a medical card and go see a doctor... All kidding aside I can't concentrate on anything...

"History is written by the victors"
-Winston Churchill


I think I am naturally desire to portray myself as a good person on this blog, I believe I am a good person... But this is definitely not a balanced perception of who I am... I think very few people have a realistic view of who I am... Because I move a lot.. The "shiny" factor... I think this has been somewhat damaging because it allows me to be irresponsible in my actions... It's acceptable for me to be self absorbed because I care about others.... Being stubborn and pig headed is great because it allows me to accomplish things.. Having a complete disregard for money and most materialistic things is good because I am not contributing as much to our wasteful and self gratification nature of our society...

blah blah blah

yea I am a self absorbed asshole... If I tell you that enough.. It's an excuse... It's like well I warned you so therefore you have to accept it... I didn't hide it, so that makes it OK...

Meh..... I do realize these things, and I do make an effort to change it... Though some things I don't want to part with.. I think my stubbornness helps my drive.... I think my self absorbed "it will all work out in Jamie's favour" mentality actually helps things work out... I really do expect them too... Whenever I fail... Whenever I HAVE failed... Or "bad things" have occurred... There is a balance... I think for all my horrid qualities I have the good ones to balance them out.. the negative stuff... Reinforces all that crap... My inability to concentrate on one thing, helps me to be stronger at multi-tasking... My pig headiness helps me to solve other peoples problems...

how self indulgent has this post been???

meh... You didn't have to read it...